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)}}{\*\pnseclvl6\pnlcltr\pnstart1\pnindent720\pnhang {\pntxtb (}{\pntxta )}}{\*\pnseclvl7\pnlcrm\pnstart1\pnindent720\pnhang {\pntxtb (}{\pntxta )}}{\*\pnseclvl8 \pnlcltr\pnstart1\pnindent720\pnhang {\pntxtb (}{\pntxta )}}{\*\pnseclvl9\pnlcrm\pnstart1\pnindent720\pnhang {\pntxtb (}{\pntxta )}}\pard\plain \s16\qc \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \f36\fs24\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\f0\fs28\insrsid6050047 Interview with a Former Patient Who Wishes to Remain Anonymous \par }{\b\f0\insrsid6050047 [In and Out of Augusta State Hospital/AMHI Many Times from 1955-1985] \par \par September 9, 2003 \par }\pard\plain \qc \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \fs20\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par }\pard\plain \s20\qc \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \fs24\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\i\insrsid6050047 Interviewer: Diana Scully \par }\pard\plain \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \fs20\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: Why did you go to AMHI? \par }\pard\plain \s15\ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \f36\fs24\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\f0\insrsid6050047 ANON: At AMHI my very first time, I was 15 ye ars old. In 1955, I was sent there through the court\rquote s juvenile system. I destroyed a house\'85a summer home, a camp. And why I did that I don\rquote t know; I was in a rage\'85 I hid out in Litchfield, where I lived, and I was very confused and disturbed and so forth, and I didn\rquote t know why I did the destruction; it was rage. I suppose I was reacting to some of the things that I felt had happened to me that I didn\rquote t know at that time\'85 They sent me to AMHI after a court hearing\'85I believe [I was] the very first child that was in there. \par \par My memory of that time of being brought there was very frightening and shocking. There was something like 2,000 patients or 1,800 patients. I remember seeing this printed up on the board. I was in the operator\rquote s house...The men were dressed in white pants, white shirts, black bow tie, black shoes, and I remember it was frightening to me. I was very small; I was about a 100 pounds probably, and 15 years old. I stayed there for a couple of three months; it\rquote s hard to r}{ \f0\insrsid6050047 e}{\f0\insrsid6050047 member that far back, as far as time is concerned. \par \par I remember the Superintendent\'85he took me in his Cadillac to the Bangor State Hospital for a big conference. Why I don\rquote t know, I can\rquote t remember that part of what they did, and I was there as a participant. But initially I can\rquote t r emember the questions; they really weren\rquote t relevant to me at the time. And they brought me back to the state hospital in Augusta. I stayed there for a co}{\f0\insrsid6050047 u}{\f0\insrsid6050047 ple, three nights. \par \par I saw [Dr. X]\'85who was a very frightening character. As I found out over the years , he was a very big man, he was very heavy-handed, and when he came into the wards he wanted people to be afraid of him. We were afraid of him. I had to sleep by the office, being a child, and I didn\rquote t know why then. I figured it out later on. He used to come in and holler and scream at me, and call me scum and trash and put me in a circle with the nurses, in the center, and he would do ev}{\f0\insrsid6050047 e}{\f0\insrsid6050047 rything he could to make me feel unworthy of living or breathing the same air. And he frigh}{\f0\insrsid6050047 t}{\f0\insrsid6050047 ened me. I wasn\rquote t the only one I guess he did this to. I know that I can only remember him doing this to me. He would threaten me with shock treatments [though] he never did that. \par }\pard\plain \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \fs20\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: Were other people getting shock treatments? \par }{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ANON: Oh yes, as punishment. I remember that I was just aching to get away from him, to get out of there. I was taken out finally by the state police and put in a boy\rquote s home in South Por}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 t}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 land. I stayed there basically until I was 17, almost 18, I guess, and I was released. From that point on I didn\rquote t seem to be able to focus on working. I didn\rquote t have interest in working. I didn\rquote t grow up with a normal childhood. I just felt like rolling around\'85I went to Portland. I got lost there. I came back to fb88. And I eventually ended up in the Augusta State Hospital. \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: What was the trigger event?}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par ANON: I got into the habit of going out into the woods and hiding. I felt an awful need, a pre}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 s}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 sure, to get away from society, to hide from everybody. I would go out into the woods and curl up and daydream for days, fantasies. I don\rquote t even remember now what they were about. And this happened to me and I would do these kinds of things well into my nearly 40s, I guess. I would wind up back in AMHI. A lot of the admissions people told me that I had the distinction, \'93you\rquote ve been admitted and discharged from Augusta State Hospital more times than anybody in history.\'94 I said that\rquote s not a distinction I would really want; nobody would. And AMHI over the years b}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 e}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 came different because of different superintendents. \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: So the different superintendents really affected the place? \par }{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ANON: Yes\'85I don\rquote t know if it affected other patients, but it didn\rquote t affect me much in a positive way. [Except\} we had a superintendent\'85Mr. Roy Ettlinger who was a wonderful man, a little guy. He was kind and con siderate. He made some changes that definitely I think had a very a}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 d}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 verse affect on Dr. X, who was bullying everybody. And even though he couldn\rquote t get rid of him, he demoted him, with no powers, no medications, right, nothing. Dr.X died I think because his power hungry struggle was taken away from him, and he died the day I was a patient there on the ward. I can remember that I didn\rquote t feel anything. I just felt like maybe things would get better for me and other people, but it really is isolated to one person\rquote s demise. \par \par And Mr. E}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 t}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 tlinger made some very positive changes. I think to some degree staff resented some of his changes. [There were] some very good staff people whose hands were tied because what they could do or couldn \rquote t do was very limited. I felt that a lot of the behavior of some of the staff certainly had to improve toward the patients. That part was a welcomed change\'85 \par \par And there were people who worked there\'85you just have to realize that\'85they\rquote re there for only one reason, to get a paycheck and go home, and that\rquote s the extent of their vision...A lot of the s}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 o}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 cial workers at AMHI and the psychologists that I had had to deal with and the ps}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 y}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 chiatrists, which changed all the time\'85 I felt had no more ability to deal with the people who had psychia}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 t}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ric problems than I would to walk in the operating room and do general surgery. They just weren\rquote t equipped\'85They weren\rquote t interested enough. I felt that the attitudes of some of the ps}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 y}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 chologists\'85I know some of them worked there forever; they were mental health workers. They\rquote d take a test or two and be able to put a pin on that said psychologist, but they took these boards and could never pass them. Why? I don\rquote t know; they just weren\rquote t that gifted. They had a very neg}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 a}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 tive effect on many patients. They had a negativ e effect on me. I never could figure out whether it was my negative lifestyle that was the total problem or was it the result of how I was living that just gave them ammunition to behave more neg}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 a}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 tively towards me and my life. I never really could put a pi npoint on that. It got to the point where they had patient advocates, which I think was a good thing in many ways, and there used to be battles between these patient advocates and the abuses that some of the staff would heap on patients. I was never one, I felt d}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 e}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 fenseless. I felt no matter what hospital it was that I was unworthy and I remember Dr. X and that I was unworthy to fight back and speak my mind. \par }\pard \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par }\pard\plain \s21\ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \b\fs24\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\insrsid6050047 DS: That\rquote s a sad thing. \par }\pard\plain \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \fs20\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 ANON: Yes, it is\'85I didn\rquote t dare; I didn\rquote t have it in me. I was found with so much thorazine in my system, that when Mr. Ettlinger came, it was a wonder that I had survived. I can remember taking various medications against my will. There was no way I could battle these people; I was defenseless. I was a nobody; I had no family. I never knew my mother. I met her when I was 34. She was a sad woman. I don\rquote t hate her; I don\rquote t blame her. I never met my father. I didn\rquote t like what I heard about him; he was a cruel and mean man. I didn\rquote t know him e}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 x}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 cept that he tried to kill me as a baby, and that\rquote s why I became a ward of the state. My life led to AMHI and I saw the changes but AMHI never really helped me. AMHI never helped me\'85They didn\rquote t care. I would drink. I discovered that booze was, I thought, an escape, and I would get drunk, and I would b}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 e}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 come ridiculous. I would become very annoying to the police, to the ambulance people and the hospitals. And I just felt terrible in those moments. I went through a very long history of this business. \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: Were you trying to really kill yourself? \par }{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ANON: No, I don\rquote t believe I was. I wished that I could have. I wished that I had the cou}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 r}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 age to, many, many times. I wished, but I knew that I couldn\rquote t. I felt that people in the hospital would insult me, the doctors would insult me, the nurses would sneer at me. And all they would see was the basic, the surface. Often times I thought to myself, I guess this is what I had to suffer, and I didn\rquote t understand that. I would go back to the hospital and they would get me straigh}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 t}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ened out a little bit, with food and get cleaned up. I would feel a little better physically, but I\rquote d be thrown out again. I was committed by the courts\emdash by Courtland Perry, the blind judge\emdash at AMHI three, four, five times. I know him quite well and his wife Gail. I started going to church, and became somewhat familiar with him on a diffe}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 r}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ent level. \par \par But AMHI, basically, I\rquote ve been in worse places. I was in Danvers State Hospital, different ones across the east coast, not very far away, of course. But the last time that I was there at AMHI was, I believe, the very last day of May that I walked out of there in 1985. From that point I\rquote ve never been anywhere. I have been here 9 years. I lived with a woman up here\'85for 8 years. She i}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 n}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 vited me to stay at her house, because she had a big house and she was a member of my church. I stayed there for a while. And it seemed to have given me enough space to get straigh}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 t}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ened out a little bit. \par \par I applied for a job with Gerald Rodman. I never believed for one moment that I would actually be hired, and I was right\'85 He had a lot of applicants and I guess he told me how many he had, 29, I think. He worked it down to 12, 7, and 5, and I was one of the very last 3, but I wouldn\rquote t dare to let myself think that nowadays, for good reasons, I had no administrative trai}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 n}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ing o r skills. I had been there a lot, and this was why he was interested in me. I was able to, I think, look at what I had seen. I believed that I could have been very fair in all of my views. I think that\rquote s what struck him. I\rquote m not overly intelligent, okay, but I think I\rquote m as qualified as ave}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 r}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 age. I think that I do have gifts that I\rquote ve never been able to capitalize on. I have a great ability to o}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 b}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 serve people and situations and places and form my own, well I would like it to be, the right thing, the right thing, to do, and it\rquote s not a fantasy. It\rquote s just that this is the way it should be, we }{\fs24\insrsid6050047 l}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 come to fb88, the way life should be. And I have a gift in that sense. And I think that I have a real gift in being able to express some of my observations. And that\rquote s not very common in se}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 t}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 tings like AMHI. Most people who have money, power that become mentally ill they go to pr}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 i}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 vate psych}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 i}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 atric hospitals. I used to sit around and observe other patients and I would think I have nothing to complain about. It\rquote s not quite that easy. Life is filled with sadness, void. You know that there's absolutely no reason for you to be here. I haven \rquote t found AMHI helped much of anybody. \par \par You know, it isn\rquote t that it was deliberate. For the most part, the people who worked there had families. It wasn\rquote t deliberate. Some people were mean; that was deliberate. Some of the staff was evil; they loved to hurt patients. That\rquote s deliberate. But they were a small number. You never got a real chance to talk to psychiatrists. All they do is warehouse you. Sometimes I\rquote d be there so many times, they\rquote d just come in and sign the paper and walk out and never say a word \'85 \par \par What they\rquote d do, they\rquote d have group sessions. They\rquote d have psychologists and social workers form a group. Most of these patients would be so disorientated or so damaged brain cell-wise by their disease that they couldn\rquote t focus on positive rehabilitation, mentally or emotionally. Those like myself who might have benefited from real therapy, we\rquote d sit there and this guy would read the paper. Well, he\rquote d r ead a story that meant nothing to these people, nothing to me; it was a joke. I\rquote d see him over here sometimes. Somebody asked me about it the other day\'85He said he knew me, I said \'93yes, I know him.\'94 He said, \'93 Well, what do you think of him?\'94 I said, \'93no comment.\'94 He kind of looked at me funny, and I said, \'93Well, I really have no comment.\'94 He was only there for one reason. He sat in his office and he slept. For one hour a week, he\rquote d gather these people. I\rquote d be one of them. And we had to go; we had no choice. \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: What was his position exactly? \par }{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ANON: He was a mental health worker who took a few tests they gave at school. A staff person told me he took the tests 12 times and couldn\rquote t pass. And I always viewed him as just a coaster; he was dead wood. But then I again I\rquote d say to myself, well, I shouldn\rquote t do that, because who was I, what am I, am I any better? He\rquote s got a paycheck coming; he can go home. I can\rquote t; I\rquote ve got nothing. So those things would enter my mind, but sometimes you try to justify your own situ}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 a}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 tion. \par \par And I don\rquote t know, maybe there\rquote s some justification for my life, the way I acted and behave; maybe there isn\rquote t. I don\rquote t know. But I saw a psychologist\'85down in Hallowell\'85 I saw her for a couple of months, 5 or 6 visits. It was very nice. But\'85what\rquote s the point, you know?\'85It really isn\rquote t going to do me that much good. I\rquote ve been able to stabilize myself emotionally. I don\rquote t take any medicines now. I used to take a lot\'85I have suffered a great deal of self-humiliation, and a great deal of embarrassment because other people were always too willing to jump on that. And in some ways I don\rquote t know if it\rquote s worth anything except maybe to me for a few seconds. I thank whatever it is that\'85I\rquote m not mean, I\rquote m not a monster, I\rquote m kind, and I try to do whatever I can for an}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 y}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 one\'85 \par \par Evidently I had some kind of mental disorder. I was committed by Judge Perry I guess 4 or 5 or 6 times. I thought it was mostly related to the alcohol-induced ridiculous behavior, your inhib}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 i}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 tions go. I knew that I was simply looking for attention. I wanted somebody to know that I was here\'85That was very juvenile, asinine behavior. I know that now. I didn\rquote t then\'85 I kind of figured out at some point that some of this stuff might have been because I was looking for my mother, and those nurses represented my mother, and I wanted them to love me, to take care of me, but that\rquote s the way it works. All I got from them was dirty looks, you jerk. And I thought I have learned, quite maybe by accident, a lot about myself about my own beha}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 v}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ior, by trial and error. AM HI had not really been responsible for my educ}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 a}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 tion, but they were the cause of it. \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: What do you mean, your formal education? \par }{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ANON: My education of life. My formal education ended at the 8}{\fs24\super\insrsid6050047 th}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 grade. \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: When you got sent away to AMHI?}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par ANON: Yeah. And I took the GED test at AMHI. I just barely passed it. I wasn\rquote t able to study, or absorb things in the sense that scholastically. I thought and worried that when they did the IQ tests and that sort of thing I would probably register moron. \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: That would be highly doubtful.}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par }\pard \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 ANON: I tried to get the job with Gerald Rodman for one reason only. I said I have a negative picture. I had to convince him that I had lived a life of hurt and pain and suffering in many ho}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 s}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 p}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 i}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 tals such as AMHI, and I wanted to stop the abuse and the suffering, anybody and ever}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 y}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 body if I could. If I could have just one little corner to make it better, that would be worth it to me. I didn\rquote t know that I could do that. I wouldn\rquote t know how to go about it. I believe in my own heart now; it has taken me some time to get there. There\rquote s no substitute for kindness and not jumping to co}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 n}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 clusions and judgments on the surface of how you see people behaving. And I learned that by my own self, by how I went through what I went through. And I have no educ}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 a}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 tion\'85 }{\i\fs24\insrsid6050047 [tape 1 ends] \par }\pard \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par }{\i\fs24\insrsid6050047 [tape 2 begins]}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 I think that the new hospital should focus more on things that really matter, not space, not ceramics, not the color of the walls, or they may have some bearings, colors do have bearing, I wear blue a lot. And I realiz e that it has some bearing on me. Blue is the color of peace. I like blue; I wear blue a lot. When I\rquote m feeling guilty, I wear white. [laughter] I do believe that, I\rquote m sorry that I never got to know Gerald Rodman on a more personal note or better. I have a real sense that Mr. Ro}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 d}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 man was a fine human being. And I sense that about him. The new man, Dan Wathen, I\rquote ve said hello to him a few times. I don\rquote t know him\'85I\rquote ve said hi to him and so forth, but he doesn\rquote t really know me and I don\rquote t know him. I know that h e used to volunteer at the soup kitchen; I met him there. I was the volunteer at the shelter. He helped a little bit to set it up. I felt that was very decent. I hope that he\rquote ll be able to do what\rquote s right for the patients\'85 \par \par But I also don\rquote t really feel that I qualify as a psychiatrically mentally ill person. I don\rquote t feel I ever did. I think it\rquote s b}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 e}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 cause I felt I should have been far more responsible and done better with my own life and my own direction. Obviously I didn\rquote t. Now, I\rquote ve learned to blame my own su}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 f}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ficiency, how and where I \rquote m not sure, but I tried to relieve anybody else of the guilt that I\rquote m r}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 e}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 sponsible for. \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: You\rquote ve had some hard things dealt to you.}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par ANON: Dr. X did an awful thing to me, but I already had terrible things done to me as a child. You know something? Out of all the times I was brought to AMHI and other state hosp}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 i}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 tals, never once did they ask me why do you behave like this? What is wrong? Do you know what\rquote s wrong? They asked me questions like do you know who the President is? Do you know what date it is? And why you get like that? Don\rquote t you know there\rquote s AA? They never get to the core; there was never any interest. I don\rquote t think it ever registered to them, not with just me, but with many people who might have been stuck in a pa}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 r}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 allel situation psychologically, as I was. I don\rquote t really think that they ever really focused in the right area\'85 \par \par }\pard\plain \s21\ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \b\fs24\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\insrsid6050047 DS: Other than going to that group therapy, that wasn\rquote t really therapy, were there other things that would have been considered treatment while you were at AMHI?}{\b0\insrsid6050047 \par }\pard\plain \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \fs20\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 ANON: Working at the workshops for two dollars a week, so that they could make a pretty good profit. \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: You didn\rquote t get any real money from that?}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par }\pard\plain \s15\ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \f36\fs24\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\f0\insrsid6050047 ANON: Two dollars a week, 30 hours a week for washing walls and floors in the old state hosp}{\f0\insrsid6050047 i}{\f0\insrsid6050047 tal. Work therapy: if you didn\rquote t do it, and the attendant told you that you had to do it, it was br}{ \f0\insrsid6050047 u}{\f0\insrsid6050047 tal. If you said no, you were liable to land on the floor with a broken nose and some teeth mis}{\f0\insrsid6050047 s}{\f0\insrsid6050047 ing. And they thought nothing of half a dozen jumping on yo u and pounding the hell out of you. They didn\rquote t do it to me because I was a child. \par \par And there was one big, big nurse there. Thank God she was there, she was my angel. She\'85 cursed Dr. X. She told him one day, \'93You leave him alone; he\rquote s just a baby. You leave him alone. You stop it.\'94 Honest to God, if it wasn\rquote t for her, I don\rquote t know what I would have done. And she treated me like I was her personal child. Thank God she did. And, then again, I never saw her a}{\f0\insrsid6050047 f}{\f0\insrsid6050047 ter I got older. She probably passed away. But AMH I, Riverview, whatever they want to call it\emdash there are very few good memories for me. I know many other patients who were there with me years ago whose stories are far worse than mine are. I saw what happened to them. I was there. I just felt pity that a hu man being suffered like that...physical beatings, and leaving them in seclusion rooms naked with no clothes. How could you do that to another human being? \'85 \par \par The old patients and the rumors got up to [Mr. Ettlinger] real quick. I remember another situ}{\f0\insrsid6050047 a}{\f0\insrsid6050047 tion at AMHI and I won\rquote t mention names here, but this was a woman, a case manager, a social worker, not really qualified to be either, who had a real macho attitude about men, period. \'93I\rquote m going to make every man who ever lived bow and cry before me.\'94 She gat hered groups around. I was one of her patients. And I very seldom spoke what I was really thinking, because I didn\rquote t want to; I was scared\'85 \par }\pard\plain \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \fs20\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par }\pard\plain \s15\ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \f36\fs24\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\f0\insrsid6050047 The superintendent called me up to his office about the [seclusion room] incident and he clapped me on the back and said, \'93Beautiful, beautiful.\'94 He said, \'93You\rquote re really something.\'94 And I said are you talking about the recent seclusion event? And he said, \'93Yes. We won\rquote t talk about it any more; you\rquote re not to mention it out of this office.\'94 And\'85I said, \'93It\rquote s true.\'94 And he said, \'93I know that it \rquote s true.\'94 I told her she should get some help. \par }\pard\plain \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \fs20\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: What happened after that. Did anything change?}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par ANON: Mr. Mullaney became superintendent, and with this other gal, she had kind of a pro}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 b}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 lem, she just hated men, it was very obvious. She had groups, social, therapy things. She was very kind to the women. She hated me, but she hated all men. I never knew what was her pro}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 b}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 lem. I never could figure her out. I never got a chance to. She made sure that every man, she used to make them cower. I\rquote d just sit there and look at her. She\rquote d start in on me about what a te}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 r}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 rible guy I was, how irresponsible I was, carrying on kind of like Dr. X routine, and I\rquote d say, well, what can I say. \par \par }\pard\plain \s21\ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \b\fs24\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\insrsid6050047 DS: It almost sounds like a \'93therapy\'94 to tear you down. \par }\pard\plain \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \fs20\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 ANON: I\rquote d just say, \'93What can I say? What do you want me to say? You\rquote re the boss; go right to it.\'94 And she\rquote d get worse, she\rquote d get mad at me, and then she\rquote d say, \'93You know if you\rquote re going to be a real smart mouth, I can take your pass away from you, and I\rquote ll throw you in paj}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 a}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 mas. How would you like that?\'94 I said, \'93Would that make you feel better? By all means, I\rquote ll do anything I can to help you.\'94 Well, she really flew off the handle and went right to the head atte}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 n}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 dant and told him to take my pass away and immediately put me in pajamas\'85 \par \par And I\rquote m sitting down in the hall in a chair by myself because I\rquote ve been abused so much at that point I\rquote m not being destroyed over that. Pretty soon Garrell Mulaney comes walking down the hall. He turns around and looks at me, and says, \'93What are you doing?\'94 And I said, \'93Oh nothing, just rela}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 x}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ing.\'94 He asked \'93Why are you in pajamas?\'94 because they know that that\rquote s punishment. And I said, \'93Well, I guess, you \rquote ll have to go up to the office and read the board, Mr. Mullaney. Talk to the social worker there. I guess she felt that I wasn\rquote t cooperating enough with her.\'94 He said, \'93Who\rquote s the one responsible for pajamas thing here?\'94 And I said well, so and so. He said, \'93Oh.\'94 And he just walked out again\'85 \par \par }\pard \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 [The social worker] came storming out of [her office]. She gave me a look that could kill, and she said, \'93I\rquote ll see you when I get back.\'94 And I said, \'93Well, I hope so.\'94\'85Well, she came back and she didn\rquote t say anything to me\'85She went right into her office. And then\'85 the head atte}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 n}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 dant\emdash he was a nice guy\emdash said, \'93Get your clothes, get dressed. That didn\rquote t last long, did it?\'94 I said, \'93Well, I\rquote m glad of that.\'94 He said, \'93I can\rquote t see why they did it in the first place.\'94 So I got my pass back, got my clothes back. \par }\pard \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par And then she called me in her office, and said I was no longer her patient; I was not under her wing anymore. [She said she] thought that I was extremely vi}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 n}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 dictive and mean to go squealing to Mr. Mullaney. I said, \'93Well, you\rquote ve got that all wrong. I didn\rquote t squeal. He happened to be passing by and saw the results of your therapy, and he asked me and I told him. I didn\rquote t say sp}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 e}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 cifically anything. I said go read the logbook, Mr. Mullaney. Go talk to the lady.\'94 I said I don\rquote t know who he talked to. But evidently he had you come up to talk to him. So I said, \'93 Well who knows, maybe one day we can be friends.\'94 She said, \'93Get out of my office.\'94\'85She just had something about men. I don\rquote t know, bad husband or something. But she didn\rquote t appreciate my r}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 e}{ \fs24\insrsid6050047 sponses, and I think she would have felt much more powerful and better had I responded like I did when I was being treated that way by Dr. X. And it was unfort}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 u}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 nate. \par \par Mr. Mullaney called me up to his office about three or four days later. Between him and me he said, off the record, that he wanted me to inform him of any future abuses by that individual, verbal or otherwise. And I said, \'93I don\rquote t believe there will be.\'94 He told me he had a discussion with her, and that kind of retaliatory, vindictive behavior wasn\rquote t going to be tolerated when he was superinte}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 n}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 dent. So he was a nice fellow. \par \par I think that many of the staff people [were nice]. One of them passed away very young\emdash Irene Roy, who was on the admission ward. I really thought a lot of her. She really touched my heart. She was a caring woman; she was an atten dant; she cared about the patients truly. But they were so limited as to what they could do. She died of a heart attack or stroke, thirty years old, and I really felt bad about that. What a waste; what a loss. \par \par We had a lot of good people that worked ther e. A lot of good people. One in particular, and I will mention her name, because I had a great love for her. She was Pat Havey, she was a registered nurse at the clinic, I could count friends with her and her brother Dave\'85 and she used to call me her favorite son because I was always being brought in and she was always kind to me; she never judged me. She didn\rquote t know that much about me but she was always so kind. She said the most memorable thing that she could remember about me was that\'85I used to escape fro m AMHI, get downtown, the cops would come and chase me. And she said they had all these big shots from Medicare, from Was}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 h}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ington, D.C., doing the accreditation thing at Greenlaw, the nursing home for patients from AMHI years ago. They were out there in the driveway to the Greenlaw building and they had a whole bunch of beautiful shrubberies. I don\rquote t remember; I have no recollection of it. She told me, she said, \'93Oh God, there goes our accreditation.\'94 I had already escaped and they couldn\rquote t find me. I popped up, she said, out of the middle of that shrubbery like a woman out of a birthday cake, right up out of it, she said, and I was so fried I fell right over like a board. She said the people there saw that and started laughing so hard that one guy had tears and his side started to ache. He said that was the only thing that saved our a}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 c}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 creditation. He said, \'93Who is this guy?\'94 She said, \'93Oh, that\rquote s my favorite boy. He has a real problem. He\rquote s a patient and we\rquote ve been looking for him.\'94 And she said we didn\rquote t lose our accreditation, and they told her that\rquote s the funniest thing they personally ever saw and that they would remember that for time to come. I don\rquote t have any memory of it. \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: When you got out you were drinking?}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par ANON: I escaped. They couldn\rquote t find me. \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: You just blacked out, so you don\rquote t remember? \par }{\fs24\insrsid6050047 ANON: I guess I don\rquote t. I had no idea. And I had a bottle in my hand, she said. I said, \'93I have no memory. You aren\rquote t making that up are you?\'94 She said, \'93I wouldn\rquote t make something like that up.\'94 \par \par A police officer over here became friends with me, since I moved in here; he\rquote s retired. He said, \'93Do you want me to tell you about the very first time I met you? I met you b}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 e}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 fore. You don\rquote t know it. Me and four other officers got a call of a jumper on the Memorial Bridge [over the Ke}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 n}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 nebec River].\'94 This was before they put the fences up on the bridge. I said, \'93It wasn\rquote t me. I wouldn\rquote t jump off the bridge; I\rquote m too chicken. He said, \'93Well, let me tell you something. You got saved by a fluke\emdash a miracle. Me and two other c ops got a hold of you by your belt, we were just holding on to you dangling in mid-air over that bridge.\'94 \par \par }{\b\fs24\insrsid6050047 DS: You don\rquote t remember?}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par ANON: I have no memory. He said, \'93If you had gone, we wouldn\rquote t have been able to save you. You would have been a dead duck. You were so gone you couldn\rquote t have swam if you wanted to.\'94 I said, \'93Why didn\rquote t you just drop me? Everybody would be better off.\'94 And he said, \'93We thought of it.\'94 \'93Well\'94, I said. \par \par But he said one thing\emdash a lot of them knew me from incidents like that. I stopped drinking; I stopped all that. They became my friends. They took me fishing, and I said to him, \'93Aren\rquote t you worried about what people will say\emdash the other guys on the force? Why are you hanging out with somebody like me?\'94 He said, \'93What do you mean, somebody like you?\'94 And I said, \'93Well, AMHI, all the other state hospitals\'85\'94 He said, \'93You\rquote re a good guy. You\rquote ve always been a good guy. You\rquote re the nicest drunk we\rquote ve ever dealt with. Never have you ever been nasty, drunk or sober. You were just as nice as you could be. And that\rquote s the thing that stuck in everyone\rquote s mind, regardless of whether you were drunk. You were just as nice as if you were sober.\'94 I said, \'93Well, I hope so.\'94 And he said, \'93Another thing, too. I want to tell you som}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 e}{\fs24\insrsid6050047 thing. Maybe not all of them agree with me, but most of them have an immense amount of relief and respect that you stopped all this. You got on your own; they gave up on you; nobody would help you; they wouldn\rquote t waste their time on you. You did it; you did it on your own.\'94 I said, \'93To tell you the truth, I don\rquote t know why I did it.\'94\'85 \par }{\f36\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par }\pard\plain \s15\ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \f36\fs24\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\f0\insrsid6050047 I lived with [a woman] for eight years [who had a son with] Down\rquote s Syndrome \'85[He] made me chuckle, and laugh, and feel good\'85And any little thing at all, and they are happy. They\rquote re wo}{\f0\insrsid6050047 n}{\f0\insrsid6050047 derful. You know, I figured out why they call them special people\emdash because they are special not because they have Down\rquote s Syndrome or mental retardation. It\rquote s because they\rquote re special people. I\rquote d like to be a special individual. And I think I was because they made me realize, they treated me\'85 as if I were special. When I went to church\'85nobody would pay attention to me, a lot of people wouldn\rquote t speak to me, because of who I was. But the Down Syndrome kids would all come up to me and hug me\'85And I\rquote d say, \'93Yup. I\rquote m with my real friends, and I\rquote m darn glad to have them, too.\'94 \'85 They\rquote re real; they don\rquote t put on shows. \par }\pard\plain \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \fs20\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 \par }\pard\plain \s21\ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \b\fs24\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\insrsid6050047 DS: I\rquote m glad you discovered that. \par }\pard\plain \ql \li0\ri0\widctlpar\aspalpha\aspnum\faauto\adjustright\rin0\lin0\itap0 \fs20\lang1033\langfe1033\cgrid\langnp1033\langfenp1033 {\fs24\insrsid6050047 ANON: \'85 But I\rquote ve moved here\'85 because I became a burden for them. She was a nice lady, a really nice lady\'85I realized that she really thought that I could never take care of myself\'85And I know that she didn\rquote t really mean it or understood that she meant it in a bad way\'85 I decided to tell her, \'93I think I\rquote m going to be moving.\'94 Six months later I tried to discuss this and said, \'93I\rquote m going to be sad when I go, because of you and [her son.]\'94 She said, \'93Well we\rquote ll talk about it some other time.\'94 I said, \'93Well, some other time is going to come soon.\'94 So a year so after that, when they were gone, I packed up the car and I had what I could carry, and I moved, and that was it. I\rquote ve been gone 9 years and six months\'85I\rquote m going to miss [her son] always, forever. \par }}